Two Minutes

I Andy

He is born as Andy Wang.

Wang(王) – A common Chinese surname that meant “king” or “royalty”. Andy (安帝) – 安 (An) for平安 (peaceful) and 帝 (di) from the phrase 皇帝, meaning emperor.

Safe to say, his parents had high hopes for him.

He’s also one of very few people whose name sounds the same in both English and Chinese, something that his parents did intentionally. “See, we have pondered a great deal about the name of our only child.”

Oh yes, for at his time of birth, the one-child policy was still active in China. When he grows up, the policy will change, but his sibling less status will not.

And thus begins his tale – the tale of a child born to future immigrants, who still struggles with his identity to this day.

II Background

His parents are the embodiment of Asian excellence.

His mother lived in a cramped two-bedroom house with her parents, paternal grandmother, and sisters. She always dreamed, she told him, of nice clothes like the ones he has now. Thus, she focused on her studies in hopes of a better life.

His father had been slightly better off. His grandfather owned a restaurant, while his grandmother was a primary school teacher. His father and aunt needed only to focus on their studies.

Both his parents entered Tsinghua University, one of the best universities in China, and had him when they felt they were financially stable. However, they quickly discovered a significant hurdle in raising him.

Beijing’s heavily polluted air.

Andy remembers being in and out of the hospital the first few years of his life. His parents did too, though Andy could never have anticipated what would happen in a few years. 

III Singled Out

Andy is three when his parents ask him if he wants a sibling.

His answer is no. He does not want to share his toys or his parents with another human. He is the only child, the only grandson, and he would like to keep it that way, thank you very much.

In a country where having one child is the norm at the time, he doesn’t feel singled out at all. His cousins live a block away, it’s great! Both his parents did slightly regret having only one child but acknowledged that one child was better for their finances and health.

Being an only child isn’t a choice he regrets. Yeah, sometimes, he’ll wonder what having a little brother or sister would be like… then he’ll remember the time he got into his mother’s makeup bag and painted his face black and red, thinking he looked as handsome as Tangseng from Journey to the West but actually looked like a horror movie survivor, and think, yeah, it was probably for the best that there wasn’t another witness to his naughty antics.

IV Moving

It’s too much. The air is too polluted. Andy has gotten sick twice in the past three months, and his parents are worried.

They move. He’s too young to realize what that means. He remembers it was a busy time. It was the first time he’s seen his mother cry.

Vancouver is… well, it’s not cold, but it certainly is colder than in China. It’s a lot less crowded than in China. The people here are nicer.

V Disconnect

One year after moving and his Chinese proficiency has dropped drastically.

According to his parents, he once knew up to three thousand Chinese words and could speak very well. Now, however, he is in an English-speaking environment. To fix this, he is enrolled in Chinese School. The Confucious Institute of Higher Learning (孔子学院), to be precise. They meet once a week and he learns from a textbook and practice books, which his parents approve of.

(They like structured learning. And later insist on buying textbooks for math, even when his Calculus teacher is an eccentric redhead who insists that everything he needs to succeeds in the class are in the notes.)

He calls his grandparents once a week. Chinese is their only language, so he get practice from there. His grandfather teaches him how to use the Chinese dictionary during their bi-yearly vacations.

China is the only country other than Canada that he has visited. All four of his grandparents are alive, and he should visit them while he can, no?

VI Religion

Religion played almost no part in Andy’s life.

His mother had an on-off relationship with Christianity, torn between the comfort the church offered and her own disbelief in god. He tried going to church a few times with her, but he was so inconsistent the church didn’t even record his attendance.

His mother is Christian, while her mother is Buddhist. The rest of his family is atheist. When the topic comes up during one of his weekly Chinese classes while discussing the tradition of 清明节. Andy says he is agnostic.

Until he is faced with irrefutable proof of a god’s existence, he will happily go about his life.

VII Homework

Andy comes home one day and announces that he learned multiplication in school today.

His parents exchange a look, and soon after, he has his own homework desk piled high with Kumon books.

Andy is confused. Why is he singled out like this? When he says no one else in his school has to do this much, his father gives him a slap and scolding.

“You shouldn’t compare yourself to them – look at great examples like your second cousin LiLi! She’s younger and yet her handwriting is so much better! With handwriting like this, you belong back in preschool! You’re not even as good a six-year-old! My god, am I raising a pig?”  

He’ll soon learn that activities considered normal for his age like birthday parties are trivial – privileges that must be earned. They are extra to his ensured survival. To survive, he must make money, and to make money, he must be educated. The only subject he is allowed to get a B in is physical education. Everything else must be the highest mark, highest percentage. Gaming and reading “fast food” books, while they are not exactly forbidden, earn him a glare, even when he is finished his homework. There is always something to do, always something he is supposed to like –

‘You’re done your homework? Really? …okay, well, this month’s edition of National Geographic arrived! What’s that? You don’t want to read it? …well, knowing stuff makes you interesting, and we wouldn’t want anyone to think you’re dull or stupid, now, would we?’

– and if he doesn’t like it, he can go sleep in a box.

VIII Trust

Andy knows he has broken his parents’ heart countless times.

Yes, despite whatever he says, he is, in fact, aware he is not perfect. He talks too little. His stare is creepy. He’s not good at focusing. He doesn’t like sports like other boys, preferring to curl up with a book and maybe a fluffy warm animal.

His mother pulls him into talks that turn to lectures on how to better himself in any aspect. It’s frustrating. Why is she berating about his short attention span, which she is actively breaking? And when the words bounce off his stone-cold expression, he learns. Hands are not for comfort. Wooden spoons are not for cooking. Walking canes are not for mobility assistance. Slippers are not for walking. Everything – everything within reach, is for discipline. Any method to allow their words to sink in.

He is their first child and their last child, and they will make sure he is the best.

IX Teenage

There is no talk of the birds and bees in this house.

His mother takes him to the local library. It’s a few months before his changes will start to show, and a large picture book is placed into his hands.

He dutifully reads it. He discusses a few parts he doesn’t quite understand with his dad. There are no jokes made, no inappropriate comments or anything other than the simple transfer of information from book to brain. The process doesn’t take long, but it’s one he will be grateful for when he finishes the mandatory K-10 Physical Education class and no mention of sex ed is made from the education system.

Yes, if the topic was one that had to be broached, then he preferred it this way.

X Coping

Andy has never tried running away.

He’s aware that kids do it. He’s aware that it’s very possible. He has functioning legs. His parents cannot watch him all the time, so all he needs is the drive to follow through.

Except… Andy is not stupid. Actually, his parents would disagree, so let’s just say Andy is not stupid enough to follow through. He has no money and is too young to not be questioned on where his parents are, there isn’t anything valuable he’d be willing to sell to get money, and he doesn’t know where he’d go.

Andy stays, stays like a man on an island in the middle of nowhere.

XI Two Minutes

“Your father wanted a boy to carry on his family name. I wanted a boy because they’re bigger and stronger and can protect me. Instead, I have a son who acts like a girl.”

“Your resting expression is so ugly – such a waste of a handsome face.”

“Surely you don’t think you can live off art alone?”

“Are you stupid?!”

Andy hastily washes the blood off his lips and presses his cold fingers around his eyes to reduce swelling.

In two minutes, he’ll look as if nothing has happened.

XII Inadequacy

“Yo James, you an only child, right?” Andy asks.

“Yeah?” James replies, wondering where this conversation is going.

Tapping on Kevin’s shoulder, Andy said, “Then you can adopt him as your younger brother, Kevin!”

It’s James’s thirteenth birthday. Andy, along with some other friends such as Kevin, were invited to the party. Andy just learned Kevin is also an only child, but Kevin apparently wanted a sibling.

“Oh, I’d be disowned immediately,” James replies modestly. “I would not make a good didi.”

“You’d never be disowned by my parents,” Andy laughs. “They’d love to have you as a son.”

“Really?” James asks, dumbfounded.

“Oh yeah! When I told them about you, they’ve never stopped praising you. They’re like ‘why aren’t you as outgoing and cheerful as James?’ ‘James brings joy to everyone he meets, he’s such a ray of sunshine, I wish you were like that’ ‘James invited eleven friends to his party, he’s so popular. I bet you can barely find three.’”

It’s not the first time, and certainly not the last, that his parents use the deeds of other kids, even celebrities, to scold him. James was merely the most recent on the list. Before that was his other best friend Greg who his mother liked to cite as an example of how outgoing, charismatic, and efficient he should be. Rowen, the son of his mom’s best friend who was going to a prestigious university and graduated as valedictorian at his high school. Hell, even Rowen’s younger sister Luna, who never did her homework, was exonerated for once letting a kid win a round of chess to save his feelings. And Gu Eileen, Chinese American skiing champion and Stanford student, was a frequent topic when his parents lectured him on how effective his time management should be.

Andy wondered more than once if his parents liked every kid except their own.

When his parents first started bringing other people into their scoldings, Andy cheered for them at first and vowed to be like them. As time went on, however, the comparisons were they even comparisons when they were so many miles apart, with them on the mountain’s peak and him at the ground looking up at them he grew sick of the constant stream of praises being constantly shoved into his ears. The pride he once felt on his friends’ behalf quickly morphed into dread when he realized that their every accomplishment would be lorded over his head as an example of what he should be.

Andy didn’t blame his friends – it’s not like they could help it or were intentionally being too awesome, and it was technically his fault for mentioning them to his parents in the first place. And so, as to not ruin the mood of the party with his inner commentary, he kept quiet as the birthday celebrations continued.

XIII Standards

“What do you think?” Andy asked his mother.

It’s Andy’s fourteenth birthday, and Greg’s gift to him was a clay sculpture of his pet rabbit, Cream Puff. It’s… mishappen. It’s textured with Greg’s fingerprints. The ears are blobby. The eyes – which are a pale red instead of Cream Puff’s sky blue– are placed at different heights. The sculpture can’t even stand.

It’s exactly the sort of thing his mother would chastise Andy for considering gifting, right before she reminds him about the stash of gifts in the basement for this kind of occasion. Oh – and making remarks on his lack of artistic talent.

“Hm?” His mother glances up from her tablet, where she’s reading some sort of Chinese news article. “Oh, it’s lovely. Why don’t you clear a place for it on the shelf?”

“What?!” Andy asks, dumbfounded. “You like it? Should I make one for Greg, then?”

“You know you shouldn’t waste your previous time on such frivolous things, no? Besides, we must have higher standards for ourselves than others.”

XIV Drama

School Drama is so overrated.

Despite his introversion, more than once, Andy often found himself being the center of attention.

He knows he can be considered attractive physically. His acne, not quite severe or obvious in the first place, has mostly died down. He’s short for his age, and combined with his large eyes and round face, makes him seem younger than he really is.

He’s probably been the subject of a few crushes before. He’s seen how girls look at him, he knows he’s one of the few people that’s nice to them, as in, he doesn’t treat them badly or tease them or argue with them because, it must be stressed, he does not have the time to care.

It’s definitely not because of the one time he confessed to a pretty girl over text and the next day it had been shown practically to the whole damn school. Not because he had relentlessly been mocked with “Oh, he thinks he has a chance with her, ha!” Even strangers have been asking him if this was true.

Nope, not at all, that’s certainly not the reason for his withdrawal from school drama.

(Andy vowed that if he were ever in a relationship, he would never treat his girlfriend like a statistic in some superficial power struggle.)

Yes, school drama will go on, and Andy will be sitting by himself in a corner of the library, blissfully unaware and unbothered by what the masses say.

XV There’s still time

Andy is fifteen now, in three years he’ll be an adult. He is still somewhat short for his age and gender, but since when has he cared much about that?

He’s been on the honor roll for a years and is shooting for honors with distinction this year. He’s gotten all sorts of comments from his parents, their siblings, friends, and just about every adult in his life about how he’s “shaping up” and finally, finally, not being scolded about something or the other every other day.

When he hears these comments, he smiles, like a good child should, but inside, he was seething. Every compliment to his current self could not help but sound like an insult to his past self. Why were they so nice now? Why was his worth tied to his grades and obedience level? Why? Wasn’t he enough by himself?

He’s not an idiot. He knows his parents have made sacrifices and would make even more for him to have his best shot at an amazing future. And there lies the problem – how could he hate such parents? But how could he love them when every time they move suddenly, he experiences a full-body flinch?   

Andy is fifteen now, and still trying to figure out the answers to these questions – questions he was too afraid to ask, left to be pondered for as long as he lived.